Marrying someone with psoriasis – ‘My husband’s skin issue is a challenge we deal together’

Psoriasis is a chronic skin condition that causes scaly and itchy patches on the skin. Being a visible health challenge, it just doesn’t cause physical discomfort, but mental pain too. People with psoriasis often struggle with poor body image and low confidence affecting their intimate relationships leading to unhappy marriages and dating experiences.

After marriage, if one of the partners has psoriasis, the emotional consequences do not limit to that person only but extend to both the partners and the whole family.

In a loving intimate relationship like marriage, everything is shared collectively and it becomes the responsibility of the husband and wife both to learn to live a happy and satisfying life if one of them got psoriasis.

August is the psoriasis awareness month and today, we have Rajan and Pooja with us from India, married for more than 3 years as Rajan’s psoriasis emerged just a few months before meeting Pooja.

In this interview they have talked their hearts out discussing their joint struggle to have a vibrant married life despite of psoriasis.

#1 How you guys met? Was it a love marriage or an arranged one?

Rajan                  

It was a love cum arrange marriage. We met during the marriage of a common friend and I sent Pooja a friendship request on Facebook that she accepted and within a few months time, we were a couple and decided to get married. Luckily, our parents embraced the relationship and happily gave their go ahead for the marriage.

#2 Were you already dealing with psoriasis when met Pooja for the first time? How did you tell her about it?

Rajan

I think psoriasis emerged on my scalp a few months before meeting Pooja but it remain undiagnosed because I was easily managing it with a medicated anti-dandruff shampoo. It simply didn’t bother me and I never cared to see a dermatologist to dig deeper.

#3 How you guys discovered that its psoriasis and what were your first reactions?

Rajan

After the marriage, Pooja got to know about my ‘dandruff’ problem and it didn’t bother her either. Around 6 months after the marriage, I faced some financial distress because my investments in the share market went into losses. I think that episode of stress triggered my psoriasis and psoriasis scales started showing up on my chest, elbows and knees. But, for me, the financial challenges were a bigger tragedy and I continued to avoid seeing a doctor.

Pooja

It wasn’t extensive, but a just a few patches here and there. As he was not listening to me about seeing a doctor, I tried some over-the-counter products and some Ayurveda oil to keep the things under control. My grandmother got a mild case of eczema so it wasn’t a shock to me that my husband is also having a skin allergy. Her eczema would come and go with change in weather and never became a major thing. Seeing her eczema from the childhood, I already knew that it’s not contagious and most probably, won’t become a big deal.

But suddenly Rajan’s skin patches started to grow rapidly and almost covered his scalp, forehead and the lower back. Finally, we saw a dermatologist and it was diagnosed as psoriasis.

I can still recall that Rajan wasn’t bothered about this diagnosis as much as his financial worries but I googled it to discover that it has got no cure. On my insistence, we saw another dermatologist to have a second opinion but the diagnosis remains the same.

Definitely it wasn’t a good feeling that your life partner got a disfiguring skin problem that does not have a cure. But, with or without psoriasis, my love and commitment for Rajan remains the same. 🙂

#4 How psoriasis has affected your marriage?

Rajan

Undoubtedly, the constant battle with this ‘monster’ has been detrimental to my marital life. As a person with moderate psoriasis, I have to make sure I put on the moisturizers and oils and consume the prescribed meditations in time. To be watchful of the diet and lifestyle further reduces the scope to be ‘free’. All this in addition to the office work stress really makes it hard sometimes.

This condition is more than just physical, but an emotional struggle as you try to feel comfortable with yourself every single day.

And you know, despite of doing all this, my skin is not clear of psoriasis. Although I have never been an extrovert, but the subtle stigma of psoriasis has made me an introvert and I tend to avoid socializing with people.

So, when I do not mix up or get along with Pooja’s relatives or friends, she gets upset. I know, I should change this mindset but it’s not that easy you know. I am trying!

In the process of living with psoriasis, I developed a ‘victim’ mentality that I am already suffering with this frustrating thing and I am already overwhelmed with it, so Pooja should not demand anything from me. She should understand my situation and just keep on compromising and adjusting to the situation.

I remember sitting on my bed and feeling sad that why this was happening to me and questioning why I wasn’t able to get better. I looked at myself in the mirror and all I saw was a tired and down person who just wanted to be free from the pain and discomfort.

In short, I was so much consumed with psoriasis that I kept on ignoring Pooja’s needs and her desire for love and attention.

Recently we had an argument about it and I realized my mistake. If I am suffering, she is suffering as well. So, it can’t be just me and my psoriasis; it’s not only Pooja’s responsibility to keep the relationship alive and working. I have realized that there is much more to life than just the psoriasis lesions on my skin. So I apologized to her for unintentionally inflicting all this pain and suffering to her. Being a loving and caring wife as she is, she forgave me and things have been pretty good since then.

Pooja

For me, Rajan’s skin issue is a challenge to be tackled by both of us together. So I do try to be supportive and take care of his needs as much as I can. But, at the same time, I do realize that at the end of the day, he is the one suffering. No matter how much I try to be with him, I cannot have the first hand experience of his hardships. So, if sometimes he is upset or angry for no known reasons, I try to be compassionate and empathetic towards him.

But, I always feel that he is not as open with me about his emotions as he should be. I am here for him to share his pain and suffering. But somewhere deep down, I feel that he is still hesitant and feel ashamed of his psoriasis, even with me. I wish he would be more open with me and subsequently, we will work as a team to rise above psoriasis and live a happier life.

#5 Chronic skin problems like psoriasis sometimes lead to marriage failures and divorces. Did such thoughts ever come to your mind?

Rajan

I have joined several communities and groups of people with psoriasis on Facebook and WhatsApp. There are people getting divorced because their partners were not able to cope up with the struggle of living with a psoriatic person.

Honestly saying, such negative thoughts never came in my mind even during the worst phase (when I was so much occupied with psoriasis) because Pooja never behaved in a way that there is something wrong with me.  During a flare up, the psoriasis flakes would fall and settle almost everywhere- my clothes, bed sheets, pillow covers, car seat and even the carpet. But I never saw her complaining or feeling disgusting about them. She never said any hurtful regarding my skin condition.

Now, as my psoriasis is far under control, physically as well as mentally, I don’t fear her walking away from me in this life. 🙂

Just to mention, I am thankful to have more control this year with medication and some changes to my diet and lifestyle.

Pooja

Well, as I said earlier, psoriasis has made no difference to my love and feeling for him. So, this thought of divorce never ever crossed my mind. When things were pretty bad and we both were struggling, there were occasions when some of my closed ones suggested me something similar because they could see my unhappiness, but I overwhelmingly rejected that idea and any idea of that sort was never discussed by those people again.

#6 What would be your marriage and relationship advice to those couples where one of the partners got psoriasis?

Rajan

Marriage is all about togetherness, mutual support and team work. You are dealing with psoriasis and its okay. But do not allow it to take over your relationship and your entire life. You simply can’t run away from your responsibilities towards your partner and the relationship. There was a time when I made my wife feel unloved, unwanted and rejected even without recognizing that I was making such a terrible mistake. So I hope you guys do not make this mistake and one more thing- try to be more open about your emotions and struggles, especially with your partner.

To cut the story short, life is hard with psoriasis and if you are lucky to have a loving life partner, don’t take that person for granted because marriage is not a one-way street. If your partner has accepted you along with the skin condition and doing everything possible to make you feel good, you have to reciprocate with love and support.

Pooja

It is important to learn about psoriasis so that you can support your partner better. As you get to learn about the stubborn, unpredictable nature of psoriasis that it is really a difficult thing to deal with, you will have a better realization of your partner’s day to day struggle and you will start respecting his journey.

Also, you should be his support system throughout the journey. Sometimes when treatments won’t work, it’s easy to feel like giving up, but you should keep trying for better options because relief in physical pain and suffering comes before anything else. I have noticed when a treatment works well and Rajan’s physical symptoms are relieved, everything else gets in order automatically.