Dating through the eyes of a woman with vitiligo

Women spend more time and effort on their appearance than men because it’s important to them. For ages, women are taught to link their self-worth with physical attractiveness and with a chronic skin condition like vitiligo, a woman may feel conscious, insecure and unattractive. Such an emotional toll can squeeze down the chances of success in the dating world.

Laura Gregory, a beauty queen and model with vitiligo, reveals from her own experience that beauty comes in all shapes, size, skin colors and conditions. Vitiligo does not make you less beautiful otherwise how someone with vitiligo like me could get to participate and won the beauty pageants.

The world has undergone an array of changes. From scientific revolutions to medical discoveries, we experienced the growth of mankind. However, the journey from a man to a social being took place not because of technological revolutions but revolutions in our thoughts and beliefs. Notions of beauty, love, relationships and respect for a fellow human being changed massively. The idea of beauty changed from limiting itself to physical attraction and being synonymous with sexual desires to appreciate the beauty within the heart of a person. Today, beauty does not define itself only through physical attractiveness, but through intellectual attraction and confident quotient as well.

However, the pace of change is slow and difficult. A number of people are still insecure about the way they look and appear in front of the world. This notion becomes much more difficult for women to abide by because of various reasons. The world was predominantly patriarchal and saw serious discrimination against women. They were confined to the chores of the household and had very little opportunity of educating themselves or getting a job and stepping out into the world. The earlier times often saw women as just objects of the sexual desires of men and nothing else. In a world where the day-to-day routine of a woman involved looking young and presentable to her husband or near and dear ones, a woman with any kind of chronic skin condition (such as vitiligo) would have undergone insecurity and social discrimination to such a large extent.

The reality in front of us is unfortunate and wrong, but we have to accept its presence. While a man’s job remains synonymous with being the breadwinner or the family, the criteria for a woman to be perfect include the characteristics of ‘beauty’. The face of a person is the first thing we see. We form our judgments, opinions, and perceptions regarding their personality based on how they look. We categorize women with spotless skin, fair complexion, and perfect facial features as beautiful women, whereas those who fall outside these criteria are deemed less beautiful.

When women step out in the world with these invisible yet extremely powerful tags attached to them, they see themselves the way the world sees them. The fall in self-confidence, the constant insecurity, and the indefinite rush of nervousness impact their day-to-day routine significantly. From receiving an endless list of advice to help get ‘rid’ of the skin condition to feeling the need to constantly prove oneself more than anyone else, the emotional endurance of a woman takes a toll. Job interviews, family events, social gatherings, dates, and some of the most basic activities that are absolutely normal and mundane for most of the people out there are difficult to deal with for every female with vitiligo. 

Jasroop Singh, a promising female model with vitiligo believes that beauty lies within the person and that simply can’t be judged by their appearance. For her, being confident in your own skin is the mantra to self-acceptance and self-love, which turns your life upside down. Jasroop is proud of every woman with vitiligo who is fighting her own battles.

Despite finding supportive and loving partners, a number of women with vitiligo have felt insecure about their relationships. The thoughts of infidelity, lack of effort, breakdown of a relationship, and compatibility keep haunting their minds. The focus resides more on the ‘what if’ and not on what is present. A number of women have felt unworthy, less pretty, and constantly doubtful about the way they look whenever they are with their partners. The insecurity does not stem from the lack of support from the partner but from the lack of confidence within the person. Constant rumination of these thoughts may evolve into serious mental health conditions such as depression, anxiety, bipolar disorders, etc. and the person might need psychiatric help.

Dating and courtship for a long time can develop into a bond of marriage. The Indian society gives immense importance to the notion of marriage and considers it a sacrament. The concept of ‘Arranged Marriage’ takes place when the parents set up the marriage of their children with a suitable partner. Without knowing much about the person’s personality, the first criteria for selection are outer beauty and attractiveness. A pretty face of a woman makes a good criterion for a successful marriage.

Women in India with skin conditions have suffered through immense discrimination, bad-mouthing and constant abuse. They have not been given equal opportunities owing to their skin problems. The consequent effects on mental health such as low self-esteem and anxiety have also led to severe measures such as self-harm and even suicide. Body shaming, taunts regarding skin color, and spots on the skin are some of the most common experiences women all over the world encounter.

Prarthana Jagan, a social media influencer and model from India pitches for normalization of vitiligo. She said that showing sympathy to someone with skin conditions just makes it worse. It makes them feel like a victim and to the society, they become an outcast and that is not justified. Staring at someone, laughing at them or trying to take their picture is not funny. This should stop and only then a difference can be seen.

Men too are victims of this abuse and social negligence. When we say that women experience these situations in a worse manner, we do not say that men do not. However, the notion of beauty applies less to men as compared to women. Topics of success, better vocations, and career ambitions apply to men rather than women despite having equal skills and qualifications. Scientific studies have also attributed femininity with higher sensitivity and nurturance. This makes women more vulnerable to these stereotypes thus making it much more difficult for them to emotionally endure.

Mankind can progress with a sense of brotherhood. Women can be other women’s greatest supporters in these times. Only if they strive to break the glass ceiling and shatter these stereotypes will the world become a better place for them. When you have someone who not only understands your problems but has been in your shoes, you find a better perspective and even greater strength to tackle any problem that comes your way.

Women have the physical capacity to endure some of the greatest pains. The emotional endurance is commendable too. Do not let your sensitivity be a barrier to letting yourself explore and step out into the world. The one who will fall for you will appreciate not the way you look or appear but will fall in love with the person you are. Your personality is not your physical features, but your intelligence, emotions, and the most original version of yourself. Let go of the fear, and believe in yourself. Once that is achieved, nothing will stop you.